She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
