Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
