I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
