Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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