The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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