Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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