Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
