I need to stop coming to work sober
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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