if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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