Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
