I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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