he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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