why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
