I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
