i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
