i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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