someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
