She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
