Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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