there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
