I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
