why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
