In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
