Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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