dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
