i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
