THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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