I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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