when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
