I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
