Swine flu. Run for my life!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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