Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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