I accidentally had phone sex last night
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
