Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
