TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
