Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
