fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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