I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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