I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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