I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
