porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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