fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
