I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
