if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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