I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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