Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
