The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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