dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
