remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
