did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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