3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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