His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
