The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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