the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
