I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
