My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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