dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
