So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
