Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
