Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
