first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Randomize
