I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
