onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
