it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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