Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
