I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
